


No, You're Not Heavy

by BlackWave



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Gen, Hurt/Comfort, OTT, Panic Attack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-25
Updated: 2012-06-25
Packaged: 2017-11-08 13:45:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/443816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackWave/pseuds/BlackWave
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For <a href="http://1dangstmeme.livejournal.com/996.html?thread=14308#t14308">this</a> angstmeme prompt.</p>
<p>Set during the X Factor days. Niall is afraid of the dark but he's too embarrassed to say anything. He's more embarrassed when Zayn wakes up to find him having a panic attack, freaks out and wakes the others up too.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No, You're Not Heavy

**Author's Note:**

> Warning for description/talk of panic attacks. Warning for swears. 
> 
> Title from _Walk Into the Mirror_ by Stephen Malkmus.

It's his - _their_ second night in the x factor house and Niall's lying stiffly in bed, petrified. As carefree as he is - and he really is - Niall's got a few neuroses. Claustrophobia is one, fear of the dark is another. He's never been one to do things by halves (well, apart from school work) either, so they're both fairly debilitating. 

He's been lucky up until now, and he knows it - boot camp and judges' houses happened without incident, thanks partially to the constant activity and filming, mostly to the medication his mum had insisted he take with him. Last night was fine, and for that he's grateful. His - _their_ \- first day had been a blur of celebration, and they'd fallen asleep fully clothed in the living room, lights on and music still pounding. 

But it's day two, and reality has set in. There are songs to practice, routines to perfect and cameras to perform to and he and his band members (and it _still_ feels strange to think that. He's in a _band_ ) have been instructed to get a decent night's sleep, a direction they've obeyed only too readily after their exhausting day. 

He hadn't expected to be put in a group, never really even entertained the idea of getting through to the live shows. It hadn't occurred to him when he sent off his application that he might end up rooming with other finalists, or about what he would do if that happened. 

Now he's sharing with four other boys (roughly) his age and call him an idiot, but he doesn't want them knowing what a loser he is, because what seventeen year old boy is scared of the dark? None of the others are, that's for sure. They'd fallen asleep almost as soon as Liam turned out the light, muttered _goodnight_ s giving way to quiet breathing. All except Niall. 

It was sort of ok at first, light peeking in from under the door because some of the other contestants were still up. He'd tricked himself into thinking it might be alright, hadn't wanted to turn on a light in case it woke one of the others and he had to explain. Now he realises what an idiot he's been. 

The house is dark and quiet - he can hardly see his hand if he sticks it in front of his face, and all he hears are gusty breaths and silence, silence. He knows there's nothing there, he _knows_. 

But he's not sure. 

He's got his eyes closed because he can't stand staring into that fucking _abyss_ and he doesn't know what's moving in the blackness but something is, something _definitely_ is and he can't help it, his eyes snap open. 

His sheets are fisted close to his chest, feeble protection but it's all he's got and he wants to curl up under the covers but it's worse to not be able to see what's moving around the room, worse to have his back exposed. 

He can't move, anyway. 

He doesn't want the shock of whatever's there suddenly appearing before him. He'd rather not see it coming. He closes his eyes again. Imagining what's happening is worse. He snaps them open. 

There's an area of blackness that's _denser_ somehow and it's growing or it's moving and _fuck fuck fuck_.

He can't breathe. 

His chest seizes and he tries to _calm down_ , tries to inhale. _You're fine, there's nothing - you're ok, deep breaths, deep breaths._

He's trying to keep it together, but he never was very good at those anxiety techniques the doctor taught him and he can feel his fingers and toes starting to tingle and that sends another wave of panic crashing down on him because this can't happen _now_ , not here _please_. 

The tension in his chest in unbearable, his jaw goes slack.

He can't help it, he moans, loudly - an uncoordinated, drawn out sound, like he's dying. (He thinks he might be, he knows he probably is.) It feels like his brain has completely detached itself from his body, he can't _think_ , he can barely hold onto what's happening. 

"Niall?" 

Zayn is suddenly beside him, staring into his face and Niall doesn't know when he got so close but he doesn't like it, desperately pushes Zayn's hands from his shoulders, makes another horrible sound and Zayn backs the fuck up. 

Niall's breathing is shallow and he knows he's not far off fainting, is grateful for it. He just wants to stop feeling like this. 

"Fuck. _Fuck_." 

Zayn is swearing and Niall can see him shaking Louis awake, tugging at his arm frantically. Louis mumbles a ' _what_ ' but then he's sitting up, alert, taking in the worry on Zayn's face, the state Niall's in. 

"What did you do to him?" he asks stupidly, staring at Niall but making no move towards him. 

Zayn makes a small noise of frustration, moves to the bunk beds and slaps at Liam's ankles where his legs are poking out from under the bedclothes before falling back to his knees by Niall's bed.

"Niall, hey. Calm down, ok? Just-" he reaches out towards Niall, abruptly drops his hands back down. He doesn't want to hear that noise again.

Behind Zayn, Niall can see Louis standing stock still, hands hanging useless and uncertain by his sides, and Harry sitting up in the top bunk. His face is stunned and pale, he looks awful. Niall knows he probably looks worse.

His vision flickers and he turns his head jerkily to the left. Liam's there, talking, and Niall tries to focus on what he's saying.

"It's ok, Niall. Everything's fine, everyone's ok. You're ok, you'll _be_ ok, you just have to breathe." He moves his hand towards Niall-

"Don't touch him," Zayn says. "He doesn't like it."

Liam ignores him, slowly extending his hand until it rests on Niall's back, starts gently rubbing up and down and all the time he's murmuring instructions ' _breathe in, breathe out, c'mon Niall_ ' and little by little Niall winds down. 

Eventually he reaches a sufficient level of self-awareness for embarrassment to set in. Zayn and Liam are still kneeling on either side of him, comforting hands resting on his back and legs. Harry and Louis are sitting together on Louis' bed, watching silently. 

Niall wants to die. 

"So...sorry about that." His voice is hoarse and it hurts to talk.

"Are you ok now?" asks Liam, at the same time as Harry says, "what happened?"

Niall decides playing it down is the thing to do. "Erm, just a panic attack. No big deal, sorry I woke you all." Four pairs of eyebrows rise in response.

"Why did you have a panic attack?" Harry asks, still staring at him intently, unblinking. Niall tries not to squirm under his gaze. He may as well tell them, he reasons, it's not like this _phobia_ is something that's going to go away. Chances are this'll happen again, and it's not fair to keep rooming with them and not say anything. 

But what if they laugh? What if they don't want him in the band anymore? He knows he's being stupid, but even so he feels a residual spurt of panic in his chest. Zayn's hand tightens on his calf and like magic the feeling disappears.

He groans and scrubs a face over his hand. "Don't laugh, ok? Or, you can laugh if you want, I suppose. It's so stupid." He shakes his head, bites his lip, hard. "I'm sort of...I don't like the dark." 

There's a pause during which he steels himself for the inevitable sneering.

"Well. That's ok," says Liam, and he sounds like he thinks Niall's said something totally reasonable and not at all shameful. "Everyone's afraid of something. How about we just leave a light on from now on, yeah?"

Everyone nods their agreement and Niall feels stupidly grateful. 

"Hang on," Zayn exclaims suddenly, getting to his feet and moving to rummage through his bag. He comes up holding what is unmistakably a novelty night light.

"...Is that Patrick from SpongeBob? Why do you _have_ that?" asks Louis, wandering over to better inspect the thing.

"My sisters gave it to me for luck, ok?" snaps Zayn, snatching it back. He throws it at Niall. "You can keep it. It'll help, yeah?"

"Yeah," says Niall. He's oddly touched. "Thanks." He gives Zayn a shy smile and the other boy rolls his eyes and grins back.

Harry cuts between Louis and Zayn and climbs onto Niall's bed, wrapping his arms around the other boy and hugging him tight. "Sorry I was so useless," he says into Niall's neck. "I didn't know what to do."

"That's ok," mutters Niall awkwardly. "I should have said something, I didn't-"

"Liam had it covered anyway," says Zayn, shooting him an admiring look. His gaze is less admiring when he turns it upon Louis. "You," he huffs. "You're the oldest! You're fucking useless in a crisis!"

Niall flinches at 'crisis' and Harry gives him a small smile that somehow manages to make him feel a hundred times better.

"Excuse me for not knowing what to do when someone's having a massive panic attack! I'll have you know I'm _excellent_ in fires." He pauses. "That's actually not true, so if there ever is a fire, please save me."

Liam looks incredulous, like he can't quite work out if the other boy's being serious, but Zayn starts laughing quietly and Louis rewards him with a cheeky grin. 

Their (self-proclaimed) unofficial leader decides that yes, three am the night before a day of rehearsals is the _perfect_ time for impromptu band bonding, and has them push Zayn and Niall's beds together 'for snuggling purposes'. They all pile on, fighting over pillows and duvets and arranging and rearranging themselves. Their touches help soothe the last of Niall's anxiety and by the time he's settled his head on Liam's shoulder he's feeling close to normal. 

For a while they just lie there, limbs heavy and warm and all over each other. Liam's still not quite comfortable with all the touching, Niall can tell, but he will be. If they make it to the end of the competition, he definitely will be.

"What are you afraid of, Liam?" Niall asks, quiet.

"Hmm?"

"You said ' _Everyone's afraid of something_ '. What scares you?"

There's a pause and then Liam says, nonchalantly, "I'm scared of spoons."

The others shift to look at him with varying degrees of suspicion.

"Spoons?" Zayn questions in a tone which implies he thinks Liam's mocking Niall and isn't too happy about it.

"Not all spoons. Just like, when you have to go to a restaurant or someone's house and use stranger spoons. I don't like that."

"Stranger spoons," murmurs Louis, attempting to repress the mirth in his voice. Niall knows it's wrong to laugh - Liam only told in an effort to make him feel better, after all, but it's just so _weird_ and he's had a stressful night and Louis' quiet wheezing is all it takes to set him off. He lets out a cackle which soon has Zayn and Harry giggling, and Liam grinning broadly down at him. 

"I'm afraid of water," Zayn announces, unbidden.

"We know that," Harry murmurs. "You wouldn't swim in Miami."

Zayn scoffs. "Fine then, I'm scared of heights."

"Boring. What about you, Haz?"

"mmm, I dunno. Snakes, maybe. They're quite easy to avoid though." There are quiet murmurs of assent.

"Louis?"

"Getting old."

They don't have to worry about that for a while, Niall thinks. He drifts, comes back to the sound of his name.

"How about you Niall? We know about the dark thing. Anything else you want to share?"

Niall's eyes roll tiredly in his skull until they meet Louis' smiling face. "Yeah, actually, I'm claustrophobic too. It's pretty bad." 

Louis continues to smile for a moment but when Niall doesn't join in his face falls. 

"You're serious? How bad is it?"

"About the same as this. I don't do well in crowds."

Zayn huffs out a laugh. "You've chosen the wrong business to be in, mate."

"Aw, it's ok Nialler. We'll hug you all better," says Louis, and that's all the warning Niall gets before he's pounced on. 

It's late, and they've got a seven am start. Louis ceremoniously plugs in the night light and they repeat their earlier routine of wishing each other goodnight, only this time they're not calling it across the room and to Niall the words seem more like a guarantee. 

They're drifting off, tired and comfortable, when Harry's sleepy voice cuts through the quiet.

"Guys, do you think you can get other SpongeBob lights?"

Louis sits up in excitement, disturbing limbs that aren't his own.

"Bags I get Squidward!! Excellent idea Harold - we can all have them and that way if anyone asks we can say we're in a special club!" 

"Like a band?"

"Well played, Zayn."

"Harold?" queries Harry, wrinkling his nose.

"You don't like it?" Louis pouts.

"No, I could get used to it." 

They smirk at each other and Liam resigns himself to spending most of his time on the x factor bailing them out of trouble. He buries his head deeper into his pillow, tangles a hand in Niall's hair and floats off to sleep.


End file.
